Okay, I’ve got at least four entries rough-outlined, and that’s not counting the three or so sitting in the “drafts” folder, so there’s really no excuse for the long drought of content. Except laziness and habits re: the computer changing (I’m not on it nearly as much as I used to be). Even so, I thought I’d go with an unplanned post and limit it to a few general thoughts.

 

Eleven years ago now an online friend with tastes similar to mine was searching desperately for a picture of Mr. Popo from the anime series Dragon Ball Z. I was peripherally aware of the series’ existence, but had yet to actually give it a try, but upon his suggestion, I did and a DBZ fan was born. Started with the dub, told my friends (probably all of you reading this, provided you knew me back then), and in 2000 transitioned over to the original Japanese version thanks to their release on DVD. Hundreds of DVDs later (not an exaggeration– I’ve got a picture I should post one of these days), I had the complete series under my belt and pretty much considered my fandom “finished” as it were (fun point to reach when you’re a completist). Then came the announcement that a live-action movie was legitimately being pursued, with names like James Marsters attached (and as Piccolo no less, who’s been my favorite character from the get-go). I’ll admit, my interest was piqued. Even when the trailer was laughably bad, I intended to see it.

Until it was released and gone within a week or two. “Aw, well,” said I, “I’ll wait for the DVD.” Which came out this week. So, I picked up the blu-ray and finally gave the live-action movie– dubbed “Dragonball Evolution”– a try.

Ummm…. yeah.

I’ve got an open mind about film adaptations. I lament changes to Lord of the Rings, but enjoy the movies. The Dark Knight was fantastic, even if the strict letter of the Bat-mythos wasn’t followed. Y’know, fair changes are fair. Different mediums and visions require different things. So long as the spirit of the original is preserved, the adaptation can be considered decent. DBE cannot.

Where to start? Well, how about here.

 

That’s Goku in the center. High-school Goku, in the middle of a brawl to impress a girl by beating up on stereotypical jocks who’ve bullied him for, I guess, year. I feel I need to explain– in the original, Goku was a guy (well, kid first) who thought “marriage” was a type of food. He possessed an innocent naivete that lasted all the way into adulthood– really showed no interest in girls (nor did he fully understand what a girl was, save that his grandpa said he should be polite to them) or his reputation and really just craved to fight for fighting’s sake– he wanted to be the best. Over the course, he saves the world. With DBE, we’re presented with a bit of a smartass, out to impress the girl, full of quiet restraint in the midst of being tormented that is more at home on Smallville (and which got old there years ago).

Suddenly, Goku isn’t a Saiya-jin at all, but rather Piccolo’s monster-servant in human form. It will be interesting, I mean, could be interesting, okay, really have no interest in seeing how they fit it in with the Saiya-jin arc where Goku’s origin is revealed in the series. But I suppose I shouldn’t even think about that. What are the odds of this getting a sequel?

Back to DBE, following the death of his grandpa Gohan (in the original Goku stepped on him– here Piccolo brings down a house on him), he meets up with Bulma– both acting like idiots so they have an excuse to fight– and seek out Mutenroshi– played by Chow Yun Fat, the one bright spot in the movie (even if not a perfect 1:1 performance). In the original, Roshi– the Turtle Hermit– lives on his own private island in the middle of the ocean. Here, it’s like a putting green in the middle of a pond– in the middle of a big L.A. style city. Oh-kay.

On their merry way and they’re stopped by surfer dude Yamcha– in keeping with his dub performance, I guess– and then encounter random monster clones to fight that reminded me mostly of an episode of Power Rangers. Putties ho!

The whole thing culminates in a laughably brief showdown between Piccolo and Goku.

Blink and you’ll miss it. For an adaptation of a show like DBZ– one that pretty much defined itself with multi-episode fights (seriously, Freeza took over 30 episodes to take down), Goku vs. Piccolo was… I dunno, a sneeze or something. It lacked any emotional weight whatsoever.

And then for the wrap-up, the resurrection of Mutenroshi (whoops, did I spoil it?), they have to summon Shen Long, which is done quite laughably (“The test of 7 has been completed!”), full of exaggerated arm movements.

 And then they leave things off with “Give us a sequel!” because they need to find the dragon balls again.

Okay, I admit, I knew what I was getting into when I bought this. I bought it mainly because, like I said, I’m a completist. I figured I should see this at least once. But if I have to watch it within the next ten years, it’ll be too soon.

That said, if ever a movie deserved to be MST3K’d, it’s this one. If you’re incredibly curious, what the hell, give it a rent. It’s only 85 minutes. Know that you’ll never get it back, though. 😉

Maybe I’ll have a post about good movies next.